Tammi's World

Ahhhh the memories

I think I'm in a bit of denial this morning. Denial that I am living in SoCal, denial that I'm away from my friends and denial that I'm gaining in years (not to mention pounds). Why do I think I'm so deep in this land of denial? Because of where my mind keeps taking me.

I woke up this morning and am just surrounded by a memory.  It was another Sunday morning, 14 years ago.  I had lived in Florida for a while and was in a relationship with an incredible man. The day before we had spent on the water, boating, floating, drinking, laughing.  As close to perfect as is humanly possible.

A slow wake up and we ended up in the kitchen, me making a big breakfast and he keeping me company.  As I was finishing off my special french toast and he was sipping some kickass coffee the phone rang.

One of his clients really needed his help.  See, he was an underwater photographer. But to pay the bills he cleaned and repaired boats.  Seems one of his favorite clients was out on the water and there was a problem with his boat.  We arranged to meet him at the dock, even though it was Sunday, and get him fixed up.

Since the client was so far off shore we had time to finish up breakfast and throw on Sunday Boating Clothes - bathing suits and oversized tshirts - and get to the marina.

It turned out that it was something simple and after about an hour everything was running fine.  The client was so grateful, and a bit embarrassed because it was such an easy fix, that he gave us a mess of his catch for the day.

Fresh Mahi Mahi.  Holy Moly.  It just doesn't get much better than that.

And Mark decided he was going to cook for me for a change.

What a treat.  His mother owned a restaurant in Scotland and the man had some serious skills in the kitchen.

First thing he did was clean the fish at the dock. Easy clean-up.  Gotta love that.

We get home and he fires up the grill.  Two huge fillets get seasoned up and wrapped in foil.  Along with the fish he put fresh onion and lemon.  Just a dab of butter.  Settle it in that shiny cacoon and place it on the grill.  Oye.

Good stuff.

Of course two fillets of that heavenly fresh fish was not going to be enough.  So he took another two and, here's where he lost me, seasoned it and fried it up on the stove.  I have no idea what he did but it smelled like a piece of heaven and tasted divine.

To accompany our fish, I made my pilaf and some fresh veggies.  A batch of cheesey biscuits and we had dinner.  Oh, and some pudding. He loved my chocolate hazelnut pudding some I threw some of that together for afterward.

We ate out on the patio. Candles and music, and some just flat out incredible food. 

It was one of those times that just froze in my mind.  A perfect evening. A perfect day. A perfect meal.

One of those memories I cherish.  I guess instead of dwelling on the denial of where I am I should just celebrate the fact that I fortunate enough to have lived those memories. And know, that there is plenty of time left to make a few more.

But I *AM* Cool!!!

I was talkin' with Mama Vi yesterday. I needed to apologize for all those "old" questions and comments my sister and I made back when we were young.  After this week.....I get it. I know understand how she must have felt.

Most of my team of guys are young.  Late 20's mid 30's.  My youngest is 24, (we'll call him Jamie), and I'm not kidding....I adore this guy. There is just something so special about him....actually there's something special about my entire team, so we won't go down that road.

Anyway - we had a good week last week. Moods were high, lots and LOTS of laughter.  Jamie was standing back watchin' everything going on. At one point, someone mentioned that he had a darned good day, so I did a mini happy dance.  Mild, by my standards.  He looks at me, straight faced as all get out, and say's if I promise to never do that again, he'd bring me that number every day.

Huh.

Spoil sport.

Fast forward to the next day.....we're winding the week down and Jamie and I are talkin' about some of the sales out in the stores.  There's this one dairy that has some kick ass milk, but it's so expensive....so when ever it's on sale, the guys all grab some.

He had a bottle of regular and one of chocolate. This chocolate milk is the BOMB. Seriously. So I mentioned how much I love that stuff.

He looks at me and says "I cannot imagine you drinking milk. Any kind of milk, let alone chocolate".

Not drink milk? Not happy dance? And those are only 2 of the items he can't imagine me doing or having......holy moly! How old do they think I am anyway!?!?!

I figure, in their mind, I sit in my tiny little apartment, on my floral rocker with a blanket over my lap, sipping tea and smoking cigarettes while watching old romantic tear jerkers. 

I'll have you know my recliner is brown leather and I watch action flicks......I'm MUCH cooler than they think!!!

But now I completely understand how Mama felt when Dee asked her if they had umbrellas when she was a little girl............

You're Welcome

They are talking about how the New Retail Sales Numbers show consumers are shopping again.

Costco, Target, large ticket item sales are up.

I have two words to address this breaking news.

You're Welcome.

Between my bedroom set, my recliner, my curtains and my new fountain, not to mention paying off debt, I do believe I have single handedly jump started the economy.

It's the least I can do.....

Time Flies

Wow, things got really crazy again. Time just seems to slip away.  During the week, after work, all I want to do is watch my soap opera (yes, I got hooked on a soap opera again that last spell of unemployment) and try and stay awake until 7:00pm.

Run errands? Are you kidding! I may have the intention, but Marvin over rides me every time. It's like there's a bungy chord between the apartment and the warehouse.  It's amusing some days. I get in the truck and WHAM! I'm home.

Cleaning? Hell no.  I'm lucky if I dump the ashtray.  It's terrible.

Laundry? That's why God made weekends.

I woke up this morning realizing it was already Wednesday and I had a 7:00am meeting, Wednesday? Wednesday....

Anyway - despite my exhaustion I did get a few things done in the past few days.....since I'm not moving this year, I'm making the most of it. I sold one of my mattress sets and they are coming to get it this week.  I did FINALLY buy the bedroom set I discovered 5 years ago. I love it. I just kept waiting for the best time and price. Well, it's on clearance so I bought it.  I can't wait.

Once that was bought, I needed bedding. Found that and ordered it. Living room curtains? Yep - bought/ordered.  I even found a dohickey that will work in the corner for the curtain rods.

Oh, and I bought a new leather chair for the living room.  By turning the spare bedroom into an office/guest room, it leaves more room in the living room.  WooHoo!

Now...today......today I am hiring a cleaning person.  I want someone to come in 2x a month and do all those things I'm just too damned tired to do.  I have been torn this year about doing this, but I just can't keep up. I'm exhausted.

Oh, and I've paid off over 1/2 of what I owe.  My official credit will be paid off completely by the end of July. Then, it's taking care of some personal things and working with my bank to establish good credit.

Huh.....reading back through that......no wonder I'm exhausted! That's just my personal stuff, add in the work things I can't talk about and Wow.  It's only Wednesday?!?!

A confession of purpose, neglect and responsibility

I have always been straight with y'all.  Oh, there are things I never talk about, but let's face it......I've shared things with the folks that visit here that most people would bury deep inside.

But I haven't told you everything.  And this weekend I had a wake-up call that really hit me between the eyes.  And I need to share it with you. One reason being confession is good for the soul. But also, maybe someone, somewhere will learn from my mistakes.

When I got divorced I was in pretty good shape financially. Despite the fact that my husband took me for a bit of money, I was in good shape.  Good enough that 5 months into my separation I could afford to move cross country without any help.

Well, as y'all have seen over the past few years, my career path is somewhat volatile.  I've had long periods of, let's call it job researching, that stretched as long as 18 months at a time.  I'd get on my feet and BAM. Lose it all.  Not only that, but I'd end up behind. 

Take that pattern and stretch it out over 15 years and, well, you have one shitty credit record.

Here is where the neglect part of the title comes in.

I didn't care.

I just didn't.  I couldn't have a credit card. So what? That's why they make Visa Check Cards. The good thing was everything I wanted or did was paid for. No "real" debt.

And let's face it. I am very charming. You would be amazed at how far that will get you. Really. You have no idea.

Bad credit didn't really effect me.

Oh, there were times it would hover like a black cloud, but for the most part? I could get around it.

Or just do without. No harm no foul.

Man....this is really embarrassing, can I just tell you?  I am a professional. I run my business on a very tight line. I manage those funds with a fine tooth comb. But at home? No. My excuse was always I was too tired. It was too hard.

In all actuality I was just too lazy.

Anyway - it's all come back to bite me. Big time.

I didn't get the apartment. Because of my credit record.

The good news is I *have* a home. So it's not critical.  It's just more embarrassing than anything. Damn....I really wanted to live there.

And for the first time my charm didn't do me any good. And despite the fact that I make more money than I've ever made in my life, I didn't get what I want.

And right here, right now? I'm glad.

I got the call yesterday and decided that was NOT going to happen again.  I immediately called the number from work for the free financial counciling they offer.  Found out what I can and cannot do. Time frame and the best way to go about things.

Then....since I'm not moving, I took that money and paid off a good chunk of what I owe.

It felt pretty good.  I was surprised.

See, my worst fear was actually SEEING what I owed.  Well, I did it.  And man oh man was I pissed off.  It's not that much money.  It's just a lot of little things that make it look really really bad.

Oh, that just really made me mad at myself.

So, the good news is, I'll have everything on there paid off by the end of July.  The bad news is, my credit score won't budge for at least a couple of years.

But it did just teach me a big lesson.  Take advantage of circumstances when you can.  If I hadn't taken this job and moved out here, I never would have made this kind of money.  And if I hadn't of moved out here I never would have been forced to deal with this.  I need to fix it while I can.  I can clear this up, find a way to start establishing good credit - which is harder than you'd think - and by the time I get out of HERE I can do what ever I want.

So I'm not just out here to help others. I'm out here to help myself. This was a lesson I had to learn sooner or later, and now is as good a time as any. Because I can fix it.

Purpose.....everyone needs one. And it's not always about other people.

Responsibility......can not be shirked forever.

Neglect.......it will always catch up with you.

Please don't make the same mistakes I did. Don't just ignore it. Face your fears, deal with the issues and you'd be amazed at how much better you feel.

Progress is Evident

The Apartment hunt ends today.  I looked at the one in Tustin and everything is great, except......the unit is so small I couldn't even make what little bit of furniture I do have work.

Yeah, not so good.

But....amazingly enough the complex I fell in love with a year ago does have a possibility.  AND it's the unit they didn't think would be available until next year.  It has everything - in unit laundry, a garage, gated AND an alarm, great patio, large.....but the down side is they have very strict standards.  All I can do now is pray that they'll take a chance on me.  I'll find out today. If it's yes, I'll sign the papers today and move on the 7th of May.  If it's no, then I resign here for another year.  Black and white. Period. I'm not putting myself through anymore turmoil regarding this.

That said, this is not what I wanted to share today. Nope. I wanted to tell you that I just managed to drive from El Segundo to Buena Park without my Garmin (Lee).  And to make that even more amazing I had never been to El Segundo before. Ever.

I was so excited I had to call a friend that is more than familiar with how directionally challenged I am and share the news. My guys didn't believe me, until they realized THEY had custody of Lee.

I did it. I managed to navigate my way around Los Angeles.

After almost 15 months, most folks would be pros.  But remember, this is Me we're talking about.

That's neigh near a miracle....

I got skilz

Just a quick update. Now that I'm back in the habit of posting, I want to keep it up.  I can't tell you how much I missed y'all.

Anyway - the appointment for the apartment got pushed back to this morning.  Keep your fingers crossed. They have very strict standards and I have had a rough few years.  We'll see....

But what I really wanted to do was share with you a quick story from work the other day. We have a few issues to deal with right now, so any chance to laugh is something to celebrate.

We have a "cash box" that the guys put their money orders and checks in so we can verify accuracy and get them mailed out for them.  Well, for whatever reason, the key is missing.  It's been missing all week.

I was starting to panic. I'm judged on accuracy and timeliness of the cash.  In fact we all are. I needed in that box.

No one had a spare key. No one. Gotta tell you - that will be rectified. Meanwhile, how was I gonna get in that box?

Two large paper clips. 

Now, I will admit, this particular box was not really cooperating, but if you could have seen the look on my guys' faces as I worked on that lock. It was hysterical.  The REALLY funny part, is you could feel I was close. Damned close.

Finally someone brought a key that was SIMILAR to what was needed. I slipped it in, gave it a wiggle and a jiggle and VOILA! Open.

I will admit, I was most pleased.

And my team are all fully aware that you cannot keep ANYTHING from me. If I need it. I will get it.

By hook or by crook.

I keep telling everyone, I've been using all of the skills I've ever learned in this job.

I just never really expected to include my lock picking skills.

Huh.....wonder if I'll get the chance to hot wire a car. It's been a long while since I've done that.

And because you just can't be too busy.....

I've mentioned more than a few times that this apartment turned out to be a real disappointment.  So, I really wanted to move.

Well, not wanted to move, but wanted to not live here.

Anyway - my lease was up March 1st. I decided to go month to month and see what I could find.  I had to wait for my bonus so I had the money to make this happen without putting myself in a hole.  See, I'm trying to be responsible.

Well, the search has not gone well. I really didn't want to have to take the Freeway to work, and everything around here is, well, not right.

If it's affordable then it's so much like where I'm at it's not worth moving. If I like it, it's $1,800+.  Gotta tell you - that kind of money should NOT be rent for a small apartment. And I just don't want to do that.

So I had decided this weekend that if I didn't find something I LOVED by the 1st - tomorrow - then I'd renew my lease.  I pay a couple hundred more to go month to month and I hate wasting money.

So far no luck.  Until yesterday.  I was traveling with one of my peers and we were down in Tustin. Tustin is about 20 mins - off peak hours - from work. BEAUTIFUL. Foothills, near the ocean, upscale. Lots to do and it has a chick-fila. (my favorite "home" meal).  There is a huge complex there and before I know it he's calling from my truck. 

Seems that for a lease it's $300 cheaper than living where I'm at. Holy Moly.  The only thing it doesn't have is a laundry in the unit.  That's sort of a big deal to me. 

What it does have is huge patio/balcony, 24 hour fitness, completely remodeled updated kitchens, 1st class security, parking, huge closets. Beautiful grounds. Close to everything, even a great SAFE walking park. 

And central air. Gotta mention the central air. That's rare out here.....

I have an appointment with them this afternoon.  If this doesn't work, I'm stayin' put. If it does - I'm moving the 1st of May.

You know, it never fails. I can't do anything easy.  Move, find birth mother, launch new line, deal with people issues.  If that's all gonna happen, might as well get it all out of the way at once.

The Next Chapter

Have I got a surprise for you.

No, I haven't fallen off the edge of the world. Just been busy. But this? This new thing that popped up yesterday? This I have to share with you.....

Those of you that have been around here for a while may remember this story from 2005.  To make it easy, because this is the core of what is happening, I'm going to repost it....

A Story

She was 19 years old. A sophomore at Ball State University in Indiana. Her parents lived in Michigan. Her father, a tall (6'4") red headed man, was a dentist in St. Joe. Her name was Charlotte.

She was working towards a degree in Accounting. Tall, 5'11" with dark hair and, they say, a very charming personality. She loved sports, and was fairly active - hiking being one of her favorite pastimes.

She had a boyfriend. His name was Mike. Mike was a year younger and played football. Sadly Mike also had a bit of a temper. The relationship was not to last.

In November or even early December of 1961 she became pregnant. She thought about keeping the baby, but knew it just wasn't a good idea. She thought about placing the baby with friends, but knew she couldn't stand to watch her child being raised by someone else. So she made a tough decisioin.

She walked into the St. Joesph (IN) Welfare Department. She met with a case worker by the name of Mary Jo and explained the situation.

It is said that she was confident, knew what she wanted/needed to do. But she had some conditions. It had to be a Christian couple. They had to be "special". Mary Jo assured her that she knew the perfect family to adopt this child.

On July 28, 1962 Charlotte Sanders gave birth to a baby girl. She named her Julie.

She wrote a letter to Julie, assuring her that she was loved. That she was special. She detailed the emotional journey that brought them to this place in time. She left the letter with Mary Jo.

And every year - on July 28 - she called Mary Jo. Just to know. Just to maintain that connection. Every year for 18 years.

Then the calls stopped. It was up to Julie now.

In case you haven't figured this out by now - I am Julie. The information above is based on information I've been able to gather over the past years. It's really a beautiful story. I have several friends that are adopted and THIS is the story we ALL wish we could tell.

But it's time to finish it. It's time for me to find Charlotte. But I've hit a brick wall. I don't have money for an investigator. I've tried doing it on the internet myself - but I just do not have the skills. So - it was suggested that I put it out HERE. See if any of you have any suggestions, or maybe just possibly you know someone who knows someone who knows someone.

I'm not looking for a mother. I have one. A wonderful woman who has dedicated her life to her family. I just want to know this woman that I am told I resemble so strongly. I just want to ask some very important "family" questions....are there diseases I need to worry about? WHO am I? Who in the heck did I inherit these hips from? This nose? You know - important stuff.

So - there you have it. MY story. Can you help me write the next chapter?

Well, several wonderful folks have taken that last line very seriously.  Especially Rave (sorry darlin' ....I've got to update my links). who put me in touch with the TV show The Locator.  And they, in turn, called last night.  They want to find my birth mother. They believe they can do it and do it quickly.

So, I signed the contract and it's a go. It's in motion. Holy Moly - I gotta tell you. This is really overwhelming.

I'm sorting through it all at present. And I want to share the entire process with y'all.  This morning I'm running late, but trust me. I'm back. I have a load of things to share. And I'm going to need y'all. I cannot possibly go through this out here, by myself.  So buckle up folks. It's about to get interesting here in Tammi's World.

They GOT the Bastard!!!!! - Update

Updated Sunday Night - well, that was a wrong.  I really REALLY hoped since it was reported by AP it was true.  Damn.  Well, there's always tomorrow.

I'm over the moon happy right now. And it's 100% politically driven.

I saw on Face Book - yes I said Face Book - that they caught that flippin' traitor Adam Gadahn right after a new video was posted.

Every time there is something in the news about him I get sick to my stomach. He disgusts me. On every level.

And now.....he's been caught. In Pakistan. And I can only hope he get's what's coming to him.

Personally, I want to see him rung of every bit of information he holds. In a long drawn out painful manner.  Then, he should be strung up, skinned and whipped with switches.  Boiling oil comes to mind somewhere in that mix. And only after days of this should he be put to death.

Yeah, I'm glad they got 'em. 

Now, I just hope Obama and his wimps don't get into the mix and read him his "rights" and give him "justice". Kill him. Torture him then kill him.

That's the very least he deserves.